WHAT IF The Fantastic Four Were White Supremacists?
by Franc Miller
Summary: The "What If . . ." series continues starting with a story of an alternate world where the greatest superhero team is also it's most ignorant.


I am Uatu, the watcher. It is both my race's privilege and my duty to watch over the multiverse and record the exploits of all living beings.

I have been assigned the sector you know "Milky Way." But out of all the planets, it is your planet Earth which intrigues me the most.

For decades I have taken a particular interest in what you may call "Super heroes." I have seen them grow from a mere handful to a great multitude of valiant warriors who never hesitate to answer the call of freedom.

On some parallel Earths, however, things can take a . . .darker turn.

On the world you know, the Fantastic Four is one of the first and most prestigious groups of superheroes founded. But on another Earth, just slightly separated from your own we must ask:

WHAT IF . . .The Fantastic Four Were White Supremacists?

Let us join our four heroes shortly after their fateful flight and see what happens when they first discover their powers . . .

"Guys, look! I'm on fire," Johnny Storm said as he felt the flames dance across his body without harming him. "This is amazing! Do you know how many crosses I can light on fire at once?! Whoopie!"

"Yes, Johnny, the cosmic rays must have altered our DNA somehow." Reed Richards reached out to Johnny only to find his arm length. Soon all his limbs were as stretched taffy. "It appears I can contort my body into any shape."

"Reed, do you think you can . . ."

"Way ahead of you, Johnny," Reed said as he formed his arms into long nooses. "As I long hoped, science has replaced the need for a primitive rope and tree."

Suddenly a voice appeared from nowhere. "But first, you have to find someone to hang!"

"Sue, is that you," Reed asked?

"Well of course it is!" Sue Storm reappeared just feet from Johnny and Reed. "It seems I can turn invisible!"

"That'll keep those darkies from checking you out," Johnny exclaimed.

"Better than that, I can make them disappear!" Sue waved her hand and the Thing suddenly appeared.

In this reality, Ben Grimm was known as The Thing long before he became a rocky behemoth. It was a nickname Reed gave him when he learned Ben was Jewish.

"Hey you guys whatta ya staring at," The Thing shouted.

"Ben," Sue said solemnly. "I don't know how to tell you this . . .but you . . .your nose, it's not a big fat Jewish nose anymore. It's a rock."

"I never had a big fat Jewish nose, you bookworm!" Ben Grimm took a step towards the Reed before he noticed his hands were mutated, no, his whole body was mutated into that of a stone creature.

"Oh my God, what has happened to me? I'm a freak," The Thing collapsed. "My life is over."

Reed contemplated the scene before him. Here he had three pure white people bestowed with powers that would allow them to change the world, and one Jew he hung out with just to get a good interest rate on bank loans.

"OK, guys. We've been blessed with these powers. We have to use them for the good of humanity. These are dark days for the world, and yellow, and brown days as well. Are you with me in forming a team and using these powers responsibly?"

Sue and Johnny cheer as The Thing tries to hold on to what is left of his humanity trapped in a monstrous shell.

"But first things first, Reed," Johnny added. "Without the Thing's big Jewish nose, people might expect he's one of us! So I have to add a little something to old rockbrain here . . ."

Johnny Storm unleashed a fiery blast across The Thing's back, etching in a huge scorch mark in the shape of the Star of David.

"Excellent idea, Johnny. Now let's get to work!"

Months later, at the Fantastic Four's headquarters, Reed had called the group in to discuss their current situation.

"OK, team. So far, we have successfully defeated some of the most villainous foes the world has ever faced. Black Panther, Black Lighting, Black Goliath, Black War Machine . . ."

Johnny gulped. "Black War Machine, I didn't even know he was black until I looked in those eyeholes in his suit. I almost shook his hand!"

"Yes Johnny. As smart as Tony Stark may be, giving an advanced weapon system to a Negro was pretty irresponsible. But what do you expect from a dago? Using the Trans-Dimensional Warp Engine, we also were able to kill Black Nick Fury and *ugh* . . . Mexican Spider-Man."

"You know, you guys like to thump around on these dime store knucleheads, maybe it's time we took on a real challenge," The Thing said as he turned on the news.

". . .today the casualty rate in Europe hit over 150,000 people as the tyrant Dr. Doom and his army of Doombots marched acrossed the continent. The combined might of the world's armed forces have proven no match . . ."

"Shut that nonsense off," Reed snapped. "You Jews may control the media, but that doesn't mean you get to choose what I watch on my TV."

"But Reed, dear," Sue said, "The Jew does have a point. There is one threat we have let live on for too long. Maybe it is time we set things right."

"I know," Reed said. "He has weighed heavily on my mind as well. I will contact a friend of mine and hopefully he can help us locate this villainous creature."

It was soon after that statement the Fantastic Four found themselves at the door step of one Charles Xavier and his School For Gifted Youngsters.

"Professor Xavier, I'm sorry to bother you at such a late hour," Reed said. "But I was wondering if you knew where Magneto is."

"Eric Magnus? What do you want with him?"

"Well, you know as well as I do that he's a . . ." Reed struggled to find the right words. It was always harder for him to express his beliefs to those who didn't share them. "We know he's . . . well, you know." Reed, using his fantastic ability to reshape his body, gave himself a long hooked nose.

"By God, Reed! You're mad! You are a racist! I didn't want to believe the rumors, but that is just despicable."

Johnny pushed into the house and ignited his body. "Don't judge us, Professor! Magneto is a bad guy and we just want to take him down!"

Cyclops readied his optic blasts and said, "A bad guy? Yeah, but he's our bad guy! Why don't you take down Dr. Doom?"

"Dr. Doom is Jewish?"

"What?!" Professor X rubbed the bridge of his nose. "No, he's not."

"Well then how do you know he's a bad guy?" Reed asked.

"Dr. Richards, for a man of your renowned scientific reputation I would have though you would have realized the moon is gone. Doom blew it up just hours ago."

"Fine, we'll find Magneto himself," Reed said. "And when we do, we'll make him wish he never escaped that concentration camp. If it had existed. Which they didn't because the Holocaust never happened."

"Please leave."

As the Fantastic Four departed, Professor Xavier reached out with his mind to the thoughts of Ben Grimm. Then, turning to Cyclops Professor X said: "I have sent a message to the Ben. Maybe he can help them see the error of thier ways. Racism is never the answer. It is why us mutants are hunted and hated so. Ben may be our only hope. Also, tell Storm they're gone and she can come out of the basement now."

Back at the Fantastic Four headquarters, The Thing is giving an impassioned speech to his team mates.

" . . .lookit guys, I know I'm not the most well-spoke palook in the building, but you know me. You all know me. I'm Jewish. I'm not a bad guy. I help you. There are people from other races that aren't bad guys too. We . . .we killed Spider-Man . . ."

"Mexican Spider-Man," Reed interjected.

"You strangled a 16 year old kid with your rubbery arms, Reed! You strangled the life right out of him for no reason!"

"The Thing, do you know how many hubcaps that "kid" could have stolen in one night with the speed of a spider?"

"That's it, I'm outta here!" The Thing shouted. "You guys can be the Fantastic Three for all I care but you don't need me."

Reed, Sue, and Johnny all stood up and surrounded The Thing.

"Oh but we do need you, The Thing," Reed said. "I have a new plan we DEFINITELY need you for . . ."

A few weeks later, at the ceremonial opening of the Reed Richards Multi-Cultural Center. The building was packed with visitors of all colors except for whites.

"OK, everyone, thank you for coming. I know some of you think I am racist. So, to correct you people from continuing to say such nonsense, I have built this. I would like you all to see the new Super Power chamber we have," Reed said as he pointed towards a orange stone building. "If you would like super powers, just go in there."

The audience cheered and began to funnel into the stone structure.

"Hey, wait," one man said. "That kind of looks like a stone oven."

"It's not an oven," Reed said. "Now get in the oven."

As Reed pushed the man in and slammed the door shut, Johnny ignited the flames as Sue laughed. And if The Thing was still alive to see what had happened to his former body he would only have one thought:

'What a revoltin' development!'

The End

NEXT TIME: WHAT IF . . .The Punisher's Family Was Killed By Chris Benoit?


End file.
